Things I Cannot Change
by purplepagoda
Summary: Tony and Ziva's relationship was full of things that they could not change, but wanted to. Will a late night, alone in the squad room inspire change? Maybe they could break the rules, just once. TIVA? One-shot?


She looks at her partner, from across the room. There were so many things she would go back and change. There were so many times she wished she could have made different decisions. That was all in the past, and there was no changing it. It ate at her, day, after day, the things she couldn't change. She was living her life. She feigned happiness. But the truth, that was not something that she could change. She was not happy. She could never be happy, living a lie.

It didn't matter who she was with. It didn't make any difference where she was. There were things that she wanted. Things that were forbidden. But those things, they were things that she could not change. Her feelings, the ones that she buried deep inside, so that they wouldn't shine through, she couldn't change those, either. She wanted so badly to make a change, but there was never a right time, never a right way. All she had was today. She had hope. Just a glimmer of hope, that he gave her, with his ridiculous smile.

He tries not to notice her staring at him, but it was late, and he was too tired to play games. It was just the two of them, everyone else had left already. They were still there, unwilling to be the first to turn in the towel. He looks her direction, wondering what's on her mind. Was she thinking about the same things he was? The things that he always thought about late at night. Their first mission. Their undercover operations. The tension. The things that neither of them could say. The things that he wished he could change.

The days were turning into years, and the weight of things unsaid, was building up between them. It was driving a wedge between them. He could feel it. He could feel her, twisting, and turning, trying to get away. Trying to change the situation. She was tired of fighting, and so was he. They fought too much. That, was another thing, he wanted to change. Why did everything always have to be so confrontational between them? Why couldn't they just be nice to each other? For once? Why couldn't he tell her the truth? He was a coward. There, another thing he could change. The truth, that wasn't something he could change. It wasn't even something he wanted to change, ever if he could. She was beautiful, on the inside, and the out. He just wished she could see it.

She looks down at her keyboard. She feels eyes looking at her. She tips her head up. A pair of green eyes meet her. She gives him a look. He counters with a smile. The silence hits her. They had barely spoken in hours. What was on his mind that was keeping him quiet? He talked all the time. Except when there was something important on his mind, that he didn't want to share. That was something she wanted to change. She wanted him to share. She needed him to share. She expects him to look away, and go back to work.

But, he doesn't. He clears his throat. The sound of his voice nearly makes her jump. She stares at him, like a deer caught in the headlights, as he speaks.

"We should go home," he tells her.

It takes a moment for his comment to sink in. Finally she replies. "I guess, it is getting late."

"Zi..." he pauses.

"Huh?"

"We should go together."

"We can leave together," she replies, not understanding his meaning

"Not what I meant."

"Could you just once tell me what you mean? Without the movie references, or complicated metaphors?"

"I can try. That is all I can do, you know, is try."

"Are we talking in code now, because I am too tired for that, too."

"No. "

"Don't talk in circles," she warns.

"Ok," he nods, "Do you ever think about breaking the rules?"

"I do break the rules, sometimes."

"Not the insignificant ones. The big ones. The pillars that are the foundation of the rules? Do you ever think about breaking those rules?"

"Yes," she nods.

"And what conclusion do you come to?"

"I am afraid of what the consequences might be."

"I have never known you to be afraid of anything."

"I am afraid of things."

"You rarely show it. What are you afraid of?"

"Being here," she exhales, and then continues, "it makes me feel like I have a home. I feel like a belong. We are like an incredibly dysfunctional family, that I would do anything to protect. I would not want to lose that, ever. I am afraid that breaking the rules, will put those things, in jeopardy."

"Do you think that there is a way to keep that from happening?"

"Yes, there is, that is why I don't break the rules."

"You hate rules. You love breaking rules."

"What are you really asking me here?"

"I want you to break the rules with me."

"Why? So that you don't get in as much trouble?"

"No. There is a rule that I need help breaking."

"You already broke it, with someone else."

"Bitter, much?"

She takes a moment before answering, "Yes. I am. I hate her. I wish that she would go back to wherever she came from."

"I feel the same about your beau."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"It will be taken care of."

"Taken care of? Just like that?"

"All you had to do was ask. That's all you ever had to do. You didn't need to act like a jealous jerk."

"You didn't need to either. You could have just told me the truth."

"Because that is so easy for us to do."

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you the truth?"

"That is what I have always wanted."

"I broke the rules with someone else, because I didn't think that you would ever break the rules with me. I wish that it was you, instead. It wasn't, so I had to settle for second best."

"Do you ever think before you act?"

"Rarely. Ziva, I was an idiot. I can see, in retrospect, that what I did, hurt you. I am sorry for that."

"I do not want an apology. We are past that."

"What do you want?"

"To move forward."

"How?"

"I want things to change."

"What things?"

"I want you to share things with me," she admits.

"I would like for you to do the same."

"I would also like to stop pretending that there is nothing between us..." she trails off.

"Because there is," he finishes her sentence.

"Can we do that?"

"Move forward?"

She nods in confirmation.

"I would like to. I would like for things to change. Starting now."

"Now? What is going to change?"

"Us. We're going to change. We have been unchanging blobs of igneous rock, but with enough heat, we can change. So what do you say?"

"I... I would like to break the rules with you."

He smiles at her, and tucks her hair behind her ear, "Let's get you home. Maybe I'll even tuck you in," he teases.

She smiles, "Good luck with that."


End file.
